Stuck but Steady

Dear Uncle Gary,  

My wife and I have a blended family with five kids. Before she passed, my late wife asked me to protect a portion of her medical settlement and savings for our son. I’ve honored that promise and continued saving for him separately.

Now my current wife wants us to lay everything on the table, what each child has saved, and consider combining all funds to divide more evenly. I’m open to discussing what she and I have saved together, but I won’t include the money from my late wife. It’s not mine to redistribute.

She says this makes her feel excluded and like I don’t trust her. I say it’s about honoring a promise and keeping boundaries. We’re stuck. What should I do?

Signed, Stuck but Steady

Dear Stuck but Steady,

You’re not wrong to protect that promise. It’s sacred. Your late wife didn’t just leave money; she left intention, love, and a legacy for your son. That’s not a pool of funds to be stirred into a communal pot. It’s a sealed envelope marked “For Him.”

But your current wife isn’t wrong to want transparency either. She’s trying to plan for five futures, not just one. And when she says she feels excluded, it’s not just about the money; it’s about trust, partnership, and whether you’re building something together or side-by-side.

So here’s the move: Tell her you’re willing to lay out everything you and she have saved together. Be generous with clarity. But draw a firm, loving line around the money from your late wife. Not out of secrecy, but out of respect. You might say:

“This isn’t about not trusting you. It’s about honoring a promise I made to someone who’s no longer here to speak for herself. I want us to plan together, but I can’t include something that was never meant to be shared.”

Then pivot. Ask her what she needs to feel secure. Maybe it’s a clearer savings plan. Maybe it’s a reassurance that your younger children won’t be left behind. Maybe it’s just knowing you’re in this with her, not guarding a vault.

You’re not stuck. You’re standing at a crossroads between legacy and partnership. The key is to protect one without sacrificing the other.

With respect for both women in your life, Uncle Gary