We recently talked about exploring our sexuality

Dear Uncle Gary,

I (25F) love my boyfriend (27M). We recently talked about exploring our sexuality, including swinging or threesomes, and admitted we’re both bi-curious. I told him I’d support him if he wanted to explore, as long as it was safe and honest.

The very next day, he met a man from an app and had sex. Afterwards, he told me he enjoyed it in the moment, but doesn’t want to do it again. He says it felt unnatural, he doesn’t think he’s bi, and he never wants to play without me involved.

I’m glad he was honest, but I feel conflicted. Part of me is upset he acted so quickly, and I worry he might not be telling me the whole truth. I regret giving the go-ahead and now feel like I’ll never see him the same way again. Am I being unreasonable for feeling icky and upset, or should I just get over it?

Signed, Icky and Upset

Dear Icky and Upset,

You’re not unreasonable. You’re human. You gave your boyfriend permission to explore, but permission doesn’t erase the emotional whiplash of watching him sprint out the door the very next day. It’s one thing to talk about curiosity in theory; it’s another to watch it play out in real time. That “icky” feeling you’re sitting with is your gut telling you this moved too fast for your comfort. Listen to it.

Here’s the good news: he was honest with you. He didn’t hide it, he didn’t lie, and he came back to process it with you. That’s a sign of commitment, even if the timing was clumsy. The bad news: honesty doesn’t automatically make the feelings easier. You’re allowed to feel conflicted, even regretful, about the green light you gave. That doesn’t make you controlling or “the asshole.” It makes you someone learning where your boundaries actually are.

The bigger takeaway here isn’t whether he’s bi or not; it’s how the two of you handle exploration, trust, and pacing. If you feel like you’ll never see him the same way again, that’s worth unpacking. Not in a “get over it” way, but in a “what do I need to feel safe and respected in this relationship” way. Boundaries aren’t retroactive, but they are adjustable. You can say, “I thought I’d be okay with this, but I’m not. Here’s what I need going forward.” That’s not weakness, it’s clarity.

So no, you don’t have to just swallow the ick and move on. You do have to decide whether this was a one-off bump in the road or a crack in the foundation. Either way, the next step is a conversation about pace, boundaries, and how you both want to explore, together or not at all.

And if you ever feel like you’re being gaslit by your own generosity, remember: support doesn’t mean self-erasure. You can be encouraging and protective of your own heart at the same time.

Signed, Uncle Gary