I want to trust him

Dear Uncle Gary,  

I’ve been dating my boyfriend (28M) for about a year. Things have mostly been good; we work out together, take little trips, and I’ve tried to be the supportive, non-controlling girlfriend, especially since he told me his ex was the opposite.

Lately, he’s been spending more time at the gym, which I didn’t think much of. But a few days ago, while I was using his phone for music, I saw a message from his gym buddy. When I asked about it, he grabbed the phone, said “just gym stuff,” and deleted the chat.

I didn’t accuse him of anything, but I did ask later why he deleted it. He said I was overreacting and always assume the worst. That stung, because I wasn’t trying to start a fight, I just wanted honesty.

Now I’m stuck. I want to trust him, but something feels off. I know deleting messages doesn’t always mean cheating, but it’s weird, right? Especially when it’s the same guy he keeps talking about lately.

Should I bring it up again or let it go and watch how things play out? Am I protecting my peace or just being naive?

Signed, Naive?

Dear “Naive?”,

Let’s start here: your instincts aren’t paranoia, they’re information. You didn’t snoop. You didn’t accuse. You asked a calm, reasonable question and got a defensive, evasive answer. That’s not on you.

Deleting messages isn’t a crime, but it’s a choice. And choices tell stories. If everything was truly “just gym stuff,” why the secrecy? Why the snap reaction? Why make you feel like the villain for noticing?

Now, I’m not saying he’s cheating. I am saying he’s hiding something. And when someone makes you feel guilty for asking a fair question, that’s not love, it’s deflection.

So what do you do? You don’t beg for honesty. You set the tone. You say:

“I’m not here to police your phone. I’m here to build trust. But when you shut me down and delete things mid-conversation, it makes me question what we’re building. I need transparency, not gaslighting.”

Then watch. Not just what he says, but how he acts. Does he lean in or shut down? Does he make space for your feelings or make you feel crazy for having them?

Protecting your peace doesn’t mean ignoring red flags. It means honoring your gut and refusing to shrink yourself to keep someone else comfortable.

You’re not naive. You’re awake. Stay that way.

With clarity and zero shame, Uncle Gary