Not emotionally, Sexually

Dear Uncle Gary,

After seven years of monogamous bliss, my partner Mike, two years older, two inches taller, and apparently two egos too many, decided it was time to “open things up.” Not emotionally. Sexually. To other men.

Now, I’ve always been a one-dish kind of diner. I don’t like to share my fries, let alone my boyfriend. But after weeks of pillow talk negotiations and a few glasses of wine, I agreed to try it. Spoiler: I did not love it.

Mike, bless his biceps, is a big muscle guy with a big...personality. The moment we walk into a room, it’s like watching a Marvel movie premiere, everyone’s lining up for a piece of Captain America, and I’m just holding the popcorn. The first few threesomes felt less like exploration and more like me watching Mike get worshipped while I sat there like a decorative throw pillow.

But here’s the kicker: the moment someone shows interest in me, touches my arm, compliments my butt, Mike shuts it down like a jealous prom queen. Suddenly, he’s packing up, pouting, and ready to leave. Apparently, open relationships are only open when he’s the centerfold.

So Uncle Gary, what do I do when my partner wants to share himself with the world but can’t handle anyone having a piece of me?

Signed, Third Wheel in Throupleville

Dear Third Wheel in Throupleville,

You, my friend, have wandered into the wild west of modern romance, where the rules are flexible, the boundaries are blurry, and apparently, the spotlight is reserved for Mike and Mike alone.

Let’s start here: you didn’t sign up to be a background dancer in someone else’s fantasy. You agreed to explore, not to disappear. And while open relationships can be thrilling, they only work when both partners are getting what they need, not just one guy getting his ego stroked while the other gets ghosted mid-threesome.

Mike’s behavior isn’t just awkward, it’s telling. He’s fine being the main attraction, but the moment you get a little attention, he folds like a cheap beach chair. That’s not polyamory. That’s insecurity dressed up in a jockstrap.

Now, I’m not here to shame anyone’s kinks or preferences. If threesomes aren’t your thing, that’s valid. If monogamy feels like home, don’t let anyone Airbnb your heart out of guilt. But if you’re going to keep exploring this open setup, you need a few things:

1. Clear boundaries. What’s okay, what’s not, and what happens when someone crosses the line.

2. Mutual respect. You’re not a prop. You’re a partner.

3. Emotional honesty. If Mike’s ego can’t handle your desirability, that’s his homework, not yours.

And if he keeps pouting every time someone finds you attractive? Maybe it’s time to close the relationship, not because open relationships don’t work, but because this one isn’t working for you.

You deserve to be the star of your own story, not the understudy in someone else’s fantasy.

Signed, Uncle Gary

P.S. If Mike wants to be the only one getting attention, he can start a fan club. But in a relationship? You both deserve applause.