My mom (39) is dating her coworker (20). I’m 21.

Hey Uncle Gary,

My mom (39) is dating her coworker (20). I’m 21, and I’ve actually known him for years; she even tried to set me up with him last summer. We flirted a little, nothing serious, but now he’s her boyfriend. It feels gross, like I’m part of some twisted fantasy.

My mom has always been my best friend, the person I trusted most. This broke something in me. She knows how I feel about her dating guys close to my age, but younger than me? I can’t respect that. My younger siblings (19, 14, 9) have already met him and accepted him, which makes me worry they’ll think this is normal.

I told her I can’t have her in my life if she keeps seeing him. She said my words were “hurtful” but didn’t acknowledge how betrayed I feel. I love her, but I’m disgusted, heartbroken, and lost.

Am I wrong for thinking a 20-year-old shouldn’t be dating a 40-year-old with kids? How do I protect myself without blowing up my family?

Signed, Confused and Sick to My Stomach

Dear Confused and Sick to My Stomach,

That’s a tough one. You’re not crazy, and you’re not overreacting. What you’re feeling is betrayal, disgust, confusion; it’s not just emotion, it’s your boundaries lighting up like a dashboard warning.

Your mom didn’t just start dating someone young; she started dating someone who’d been in your orbit. Someone she literally once tried to set you up with. That’s not just awkward, it’s a boundary blur that would make even Freud need a drink.

Here’s the thing: your mom’s choices are hers. You don’t have to approve, but you also don’t have to torch your peace over them. You get to decide what kind of contact you can handle while your feelings are still raw. Right now, that might mean space. Real space. The kind that lets you breathe without picturing them at Thanksgiving dinner.

But don’t confuse boundaries with punishment. You’re not cutting her off because you want to hurt her; you’re protecting yourself from further hurt. That distinction matters. It keeps you grounded in self-respect instead of guilt.

As for whether it’s “wrong” for a 20-year-old to date a 40-year-old with kids? Let’s call it what it is: a massive maturity gap. The power dynamics, life experience, and emotional development are all uneven terrain. It’s not illegal, but it’s definitely messy, and it rarely ends well. The fact that it’s upsetting you this deeply means something important: your moral compass works. You see the imbalance clearly, even if she can’t right now.

Still, you can’t parent your parent. She’s making a choice that’s painful for you to watch, and sometimes the hardest kind of love is the one that steps back.

Here’s what I’d do:

• Draw your boundary clearly. Tell her you love her, but you can’t engage while she’s with him. No threats, no ultimatums; just clarity.

• Find your own support. Therapy, journaling, or even venting to a trusted friend. You need a safe place to unload what you can’t say to her right now.

• Give it time. People in midlife can go through phases that are basically emotional adolescence. Sometimes they wake up. Sometimes they don’t. But her timeline for self-awareness isn’t yours to manage.

You’re allowed to step back without making it a family war. Protect your peace, keep your dignity, and remember: her behavior reflects her stage of life, not your worth or your role as her child.

You sound like the grown-up in this story, which is both unfair and incredibly telling. But keep that grace. You’ll need it when she eventually realizes what she’s done.

Stay steady, Uncle Gary