How do I forgive someone who isn’t sorry?

Dear Uncle Gary,

How do I forgive someone who isn’t sorry?

Signed, Disappointed

Dear Disappointed,

Let me start here. Forgiveness is not a performance. It’s not a handshake, a ceremony, or a public declaration. It’s not about letting someone off the hook. It’s about letting yourself off the hook.

When someone hurts you and never apologizes, it’s tempting to hold on to that pain like it’s proof. Proof that they were wrong. Proof that you were right. Proof that you’re still waiting for justice. But here’s the thing: that proof gets heavy. It doesn’t just weigh on your heart. It starts to shape your days.

Forgiveness, in this case, is not about them. It’s about you deciding that their lack of remorse doesn’t get to define your peace. You don’t need their permission to heal. You don’t need their apology to move forward. You don’t even need them to know you’ve forgiven them.

Now, I’m not saying you have to invite them to brunch. You don’t have to send a card or pretend nothing happened. You can forgive someone and still keep your distance. You can forgive someone and still say, “I’m not putting myself in that position again.”

Forgiveness is not forgetting. It’s remembering without reliving. It’s saying, “That happened. It hurt. But I’m not carrying it anymore.”

And if you’re waiting for them to say sorry, let me gently suggest you stop holding your breath. Some people will never say it. Not because they’re evil, but because they’re incapable. They don’t have the tools. They don’t have the courage. They don’t have the self-awareness.

So you forgive them anyway. Not because they deserve it, but because you do.

And if that feels too big right now, start small. Forgive them for one thing. One moment. One sentence. Then see how it feels.

You don’t have to do it all at once. You just have to start.

Forgiveness isn’t a gift you give them. It’s the one you give yourself.

Best Regards, Uncle Gary